NBA All-Head Case Team

The starting lineups for the NBA All-Star Game were announced this week, and though ten superstars made the cut, the vast majority of the league will instead be home watching. The coaches' selections have yet to be made, but we at Court of Appeals went a different route and chose to commemorate the players least likely to be selected by any coach. This is the NBA All-Head Case Team.

The criteria for selection to the All-Head Case Team is a player who:

1) In no way, shape, or form boosts his team's chemistry
2) Demonstrates outlandish behavior that overshadows positive on-court contributions
3) Is a liability to himself and others
4) Is bat shit crazy

PG - Delonte West

Yeah sure, Delonte posts career averages of 9.7 points and 3.6 assists per game, but he is better known for his (alleged) sexual escapades with LeBron's mom.

Even if we would rather give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, he is a liability to miss shoot around because as he states from 0:54 to 1:07 of this video, "I don't even wear a watch, I don't even need to know the time. 'Cause I get there when I get there. I'm on time. It don't matter if I'm late or early. I'm right on time when I get there so... I don't wear a watch."


Throw in the Three Loaded Guns On a Motorcycle Fiasco of 2009 and Delonte is a lock at point guard for the All-Head Case squad.

SG - Gilbert Arenas

Speaking of gun fiascos... Gilbert Arenas was the unanimous selection (among a selection committee of one) for the 2-spot.

Technically he is no longer an NBA player, but the legacy of his insanity lives on. The fact that Agent Zero remains a free agent less than a year after averaging 17 points per game for the Wizards is a testament to how psycho the man must truly be.

Though we can only hazard guesses at the full extent of his crazed mind, if his Twitter avatar pics are any indication, Gilbert Arenas redefines Criterion #4 for inclusion in this list (that is, bat shit craziness.)

SF - Metta World Peace

a) See name
b) See any or all of following links:
    World Peace on teeth
    World Peace in biggest brawl in American sports history
    World Peace drinking heavily
    World Peace & domestic violence
    World Peace attempting to decapitate JJ Barea
c) 15.2% 3-point shooting

PF - Andray Blatche

Versatility is the name of Blatche's game in the context of this lineup. He could give you 20 and 10 on any given night, but watch out if he approaches a triple-double as he's been known to steal rebounds from teammates and beg opponents for them.

Add the arrests for sexual solicitation and reckless driving on a suspended license and, boom, that power forward slot is all Dray's.


C  - JaVale McGee

Typically, on one of these All-Head Case Teams you don't want to include two teammates for fear that they might bring too much chemistry to the table. Fortunately for my hypothetical lineup, both Blatche and McGee are on the Wizards (who own a 4-20 record.)

He's garnered criticism for the occasional audacious dunk attempt in blowout losses, but his mom has gone on the record saying her son is "not a knucklehead." Mrs. McGee may be telling the truth, but her sheer presence could be a distraction to this squad as long as Delonte is around.

Reserves:

DeMarcus Cousins
Michael Beasley
Ivan Johnson
DeShawn Stevenson
Chris Andersen
Stephen Jackson
Zach Randolph (2001 version)


Court adjourned.

2011 Free Agency: Better Than The Decision?

Though I've enjoyed filling the basketball-shaped void in my heart with college hoops for the past few weeks, nothing can compare to the pros. But before America (or at least its basketball nerds) can receive the greatest of all gifts in the form of a Christmas Day triple-header, we've still got to sort out who is suiting up for which team.

While the 2011 NBA free agent class won't cause the same hoopla as last season's crop, that is not to say there won't be some serious shuffling, wheeling, and dealing in this year's condensed free agent period. There are a number of factors that could make this just as exciting, if not more so than the Summer of The Decision. 

Reason 1: The amnesty provision of the new Collective Bargaining Agreement. It will allow teams to cut loose a player of their choice whose contract they wish to take off the books, and make them available. Rashard Lewis and his $118 million deal is pretty much the reason this clause was put in place, so expect to see him and other overpaid players like Baron Davis and Brandon Roy to hit the market. It's a shame for Roy, but as a wise man -- I believe Confucius -- once said: if you're owed $68 million, you're knees better be functional.

Reason 2: With no marquee free agents available this offseason, the focus of free agency will not be on fringe teams trying to instantly become contenders by landing a perennial All-Star. Instead the main storyline of free agency will be how elite teams will find the missing pieces to put them over the top. On the surface this may sound less intriguing, but the NBA needs a little irony every now and then and I, for one, cannot wait for the inevitable 72 hours when Samuel Dalembert becomes the central focus of the basketball world.

Reason 3: Speaking of 72 hours, the new CBA now allows teams only 3 days (as opposed to the previous 7) to match an offer for a restricted free agent. This change, coupled with the time crunch before training camp should make for a hectic and entertaining free agency period. Blink and you might miss your favorite player packing his bags and shipping off to Cleveland Boston.

Reason 4: In perhaps the most thrilling of the CBA's new stipulations, players that are amnestied will then have their services auctioned to the highest bidder. Awesome, I know. If the NBA has not yet arranged to do so, this event should be televised live on prime time in high def. I want to be able to see every bead of sweat on Minnesota GM David Kahn's brow in super slow-mo replay after he pulls the trigger (too soon?) and bids $9 million annually for Gilbert Arenas.

Back soon with more predictions on how free agency shakes out.

Court adjourned.

The Legacy of Superman

In the now-controversial interview with Scott Raab of Esquire magazine earlier this week, Dwight Howard commented on his impeding free agency and future with the Magic. Among other things, he stated, "I just don't know what else I can do [in Orlando]."

How naïve, Mr. Howard. The immediately list of things that come to mind includes developing a mid-range game, restructuring Gilbert Arenas' $111 million contract, and visiting The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, just to name a few.

But honestly, I'm in no position to tell Dwight Howard what he can and cannot do. He's the 3-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year and I'm a defensive liability at my local YMCA. Shaquille O'Neal on the other hand holds a bit more clout...

and if Dwight has the same affinity for his leisure activities that he has for Shaq's "Superman" moniker, then he should take after his namesake and enjoy the nautical scene in Orlando's own Lake Apopka.

It's as if he's yelling out, "C'mon in, Dwight! The water's great!!"

But if his interview is any indication, it appears doubtful that he will actually mimic Shaq's aquatic ways. Unless, of course, you take aquatic ways to mean the joining the Lake Show, in which case it is far more likely. 

After all, they both share the whole Being a 7-Foot-Tall Center Drafted First Overall by the Magic, Later Adopting the Nickname Superman and Losing in His First NBA Finals Appearance thing, so it seems that the logical next step would be Subsequently Pairing with Kobe Bryant on the Los Angeles Lakers Via Free Agency.

Let's just hope Dwight doesn't force a trade to team up with Dwyane Wade on the Heat in 2019 or he might find himself the defendant in a copyright infringement case.

Court adjourned.