The Delonte West Twitpic Chronicles

From Kim Jong-Il Looking At Things to Boohbah Zone, the internet holds many wonderful hidden joys. One recent gem that I recently discovered is Twitpic feed of the Dallas Mavericks' Delonte West (@charleeredz13). For a player that historically gives his team 9.6 points and 3.6 assists per game, I had no idea that Delonte offers so much more to the general internet community.

This is Delonte West, and these are apparently his exploits.

Delonte writes: "No introducin.....Alex the lion...and...Meman...."                                                         
Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm pretty sure there are no lions anywhere in this photo. But maybe the joke's on me and Delonte was just being ironic and edgy when naming these captive giraffes. At least he was nice enough to take some time away from some of his other activities to feed these little fellas. I can respect that.

       
"Me and @VerneTroyer.... OCEANS 11 BOSS Sh#t!!"

This photo of Delonte and Verne posted in the club raises a couple pressing questions:

1) What was the topic of conversation between these two polar opposite gentlemen?

2) Why wasn't I invited?

"Got my fruit and maple oatmeal...if ya look closely...she put the 'HOT SAUCE n MY BAG...HOT SAUCE n MY BAG'....."


Can't tell if West was really amped or appalled that the drive-thru lady put the hot sauce in his bag. McDonald's employees beware about where you choose to place Delonte's hot sauce. He will feel passionately about it.





"For real ... that's how ya gon do me jo.imma get a pet bear this summer..tie him to the front porch. call um tony montana"


It's pretty frightening that the tires got ripped from Delonte's Caddy in his front yard. But even in the face of danger, there goes Delonte with the animal names again. Don't know if a bear named Tony Montana would be the model of professionalism though.




"Few people recognize me befor I walked in bathroom ..I think dey want an autograph..dey gon miss der flight waitin on me"


I give up.















Court adjourned.

NBA All-Head Case Team

The starting lineups for the NBA All-Star Game were announced this week, and though ten superstars made the cut, the vast majority of the league will instead be home watching. The coaches' selections have yet to be made, but we at Court of Appeals went a different route and chose to commemorate the players least likely to be selected by any coach. This is the NBA All-Head Case Team.

The criteria for selection to the All-Head Case Team is a player who:

1) In no way, shape, or form boosts his team's chemistry
2) Demonstrates outlandish behavior that overshadows positive on-court contributions
3) Is a liability to himself and others
4) Is bat shit crazy

PG - Delonte West

Yeah sure, Delonte posts career averages of 9.7 points and 3.6 assists per game, but he is better known for his (alleged) sexual escapades with LeBron's mom.

Even if we would rather give him the benefit of the doubt on that one, he is a liability to miss shoot around because as he states from 0:54 to 1:07 of this video, "I don't even wear a watch, I don't even need to know the time. 'Cause I get there when I get there. I'm on time. It don't matter if I'm late or early. I'm right on time when I get there so... I don't wear a watch."


Throw in the Three Loaded Guns On a Motorcycle Fiasco of 2009 and Delonte is a lock at point guard for the All-Head Case squad.

SG - Gilbert Arenas

Speaking of gun fiascos... Gilbert Arenas was the unanimous selection (among a selection committee of one) for the 2-spot.

Technically he is no longer an NBA player, but the legacy of his insanity lives on. The fact that Agent Zero remains a free agent less than a year after averaging 17 points per game for the Wizards is a testament to how psycho the man must truly be.

Though we can only hazard guesses at the full extent of his crazed mind, if his Twitter avatar pics are any indication, Gilbert Arenas redefines Criterion #4 for inclusion in this list (that is, bat shit craziness.)

SF - Metta World Peace

a) See name
b) See any or all of following links:
    World Peace on teeth
    World Peace in biggest brawl in American sports history
    World Peace drinking heavily
    World Peace & domestic violence
    World Peace attempting to decapitate JJ Barea
c) 15.2% 3-point shooting

PF - Andray Blatche

Versatility is the name of Blatche's game in the context of this lineup. He could give you 20 and 10 on any given night, but watch out if he approaches a triple-double as he's been known to steal rebounds from teammates and beg opponents for them.

Add the arrests for sexual solicitation and reckless driving on a suspended license and, boom, that power forward slot is all Dray's.


C  - JaVale McGee

Typically, on one of these All-Head Case Teams you don't want to include two teammates for fear that they might bring too much chemistry to the table. Fortunately for my hypothetical lineup, both Blatche and McGee are on the Wizards (who own a 4-20 record.)

He's garnered criticism for the occasional audacious dunk attempt in blowout losses, but his mom has gone on the record saying her son is "not a knucklehead." Mrs. McGee may be telling the truth, but her sheer presence could be a distraction to this squad as long as Delonte is around.

Reserves:

DeMarcus Cousins
Michael Beasley
Ivan Johnson
DeShawn Stevenson
Chris Andersen
Stephen Jackson
Zach Randolph (2001 version)


Court adjourned.

Old School Pic of the Week 10.29

NBA is back! After 149 days of anger, contempt and greed, the NBA lockout is no longer, and you will not find a happier individual than Delonte West me. Between the agents' attempted mutiny against Billy Hunter, Dwyane Wade's verbal assault of David Stern, Micky Arison's $500k fine for spilling the beans on negotiations, and the NBA's threat of a "nuclear winter," it's more than fair to say the road to this point has been a bumpy one.

However, of the countless developments throughout the NBA Lockout saga (The Nuclear Autumn, if you will) the most surprising was Michael Jordan's emergence as the most adamant hardline owner attempting to screw over the players. This was particularly surprising because -- as you may or may not be aware -- Michael Jordan used to play a bit of ball himself.

I'm no lawyer, no economist, hell, I'm not even a motivational speaker, but I am willing to bet that if you let me bring a 6' x 4' blowup of the image below to the negotiating table I solve the lockout in three hours tops. There's honestly no way MJ could cause a scene, demanding a 47/53 split of revenue while he's staring down a bigger than life version of himself silently but continually insisting, "Hey, we should all totally, like, just get along and be friends, man." 

Worth noting: the new collective bargaining agreement has a mutual opt-out in 6 years. Holler at me in 2017, players' union; I'll keep this photo on file.

Court adjourned.

Keyser Söze and Larry O'Brien

by Connor Witt

Times are tough for hoops junkies, even more so for those of us expected to continue writing even as the most compelling stories in basketball are Delonte West’s incoherent Twitter rants and Kevin Durant’s scoring outbursts in pro-am games. Recently, I’ve taken to re-reading Bill Simmons’ Book of Basketball for the umpteenth time in hopes of filling the gaping void in my soul with some sort of basketball-related content. Even though I can practically recite the book by heart at this point, one bit of information in The Legend of Keyser Söze chapter struck me differently this time around (probably because I am so desperate for something to write about that I will not hesitate to pick at the proverbial scraps.)

On page 638, Simmons defines his criteria for the best single season team of all-time, that which most closely resembles ruthlessness of the aforementioned Keyzer Söze. His third point focuses on a team’s ability to stay hungry for victory even after winning the title in the previous year(s). He writes, “Show some pride. Protect your title. Make us feel like you’d rather die than lose your championship belt. What’s the point in winning a title if you’re not going to defend it?”

Now let me stop you before you go thinking that I am suggesting the NBA should switch to championship belt rather than the current prize (though the irony of Jason Terry justifying his preemptively-tattooed championship trophy only to have the prize switched might be worth it.) Mark Cuban’s proposition to move away from the traditional championship rings was met with criticism from his own players, and I’m sure they would feel the same about replacing the iconic Larry O’Brien Trophy.

Rather, I am suggesting that in order to fight complacency in reigning champions, the O’Brien Trophy be prominently displayed behind their bench for the duration of their playoff run. This instills an added sense of pride; not only is the team competing for the NBA’s greatest prize, but it is physically theirs to lose. It would have a similar effect for opponents. If the challenge of facing the defending champs were not enough motivation, there is the potential joy of looking on as a weeping former champion – surely Kobe Bryant in a 2011 scenario – clings to the trophy while suit-clad men pry his fingers away and pack the trophy into a stainless steel suitcase to be whisked away.

Which brings me to the fine print of this concept…

1)    Though the trophy is to be displayed behind the incumbent champion’s bench, it is not under any circumstances to be touched by any of the players until they are crowned NBA champions

2)    The trophy is to be handled by either a) The exact guys in white gloves and suits that handle the Stanley Cup, or, in the event of scheduling conflicts b) exact replicas of the guys in white gloves and suits that handle the Stanley Cup

3)    If the reigning champions lose a playoff series the trophy is, as I indicated above, taken into NBA custody until a) it is presented to the eventual champion, or b) it is displayed at midcourt during Game 7 of the Finals

4)    The trophy is not to appear during the regular season unless the reigning champions are on the verge of elimination from playoff contention. (This rule has unbelievable potential. If the defending champs must win and also have a conference foe lose in order to avoid elimination, there is the possibility the rival’s contest could go final while the champs are still mid-game. This, of course, would leave the Stanley Cup holder guys no choice but to package up the trophy and make their exit, signaling the dramatic conclusion of their quest to repeat.)

So here’s how this is gonna work, David Stern. I let you implement my idea without bestowing unto me the wealth of riches that I deserve for such an awesome innovation. In return, you accept the next Player’s Association collective bargaining proposal and guarantee me a full 2011-12 season. Good doing business with you.

Court adjourned.