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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

2012 NBA Should-Be Awards

It's that time of year again. With the conclusion of the regular season, the time to present the annual awards is upon us. Already, Gregg Popovich has been named the Coach of the Year and LeBron is a near lock to take home the MVP for the third time in the last four seasons. But since that debate has been all but settled, we are looking to decide the the awards that the people really care about. No, not the Defensive Player, 6th Man, or Rookie of the Year. I'm talking about the 2nd annual NBA Should-Be Awards, the obscure honors that the NBA does not recognize but we at Court of Appeals are proud to hand out.

Karl Malone Award
Named in honor of everyone's favorite former Rogaine endorser, this honor is bestowed to the player with the most prominent hair loss issues. While many players in the league with male pattern baldness take the plunge and shave their heads completely, this award is reserved for the player with the most outstanding coat of thinning locks. The race for the title included perennial front runners Chris Kaman and reigning champion Manu Ginobili, but this year a surprise contender swooped in to steal the victory. Late in the season Carlos Boozer did more to draw attention to his hair than almost any player since Dennis Rodman by seemingly spray painted his hairline for a matchup with the Celtics. I can't say for certain what's going up there but he's definitely doing something with his hair and, in the spirit of the award, I know Karl Malone would be proud of that.

Frederic Weis Award: The award is given to the player on the receiving end of the season’s most magnificent dunk. It was named after former 7’2” French center Frederic Weis, who never played in an NBA game but nonetheless rose to considerable fame for getting posterized harder than any player in human history during the 2000 Summer Olympics. As if there was any doubt on this one, this year's award belongs to Kendrick Perkins for guaranteeing himself a spot in the lower corner of a Blake Griffin poster. This is the second consecutive year that a Blake Griffin dunk has led to the Frederic Weis award, and if this trend continues we may have to consider getting Blake on board with Court of Appeals to personally present the honor, Masters' green jacket style.

Most Improved Tattoos Award: In a league where players are constantly becoming more tatted, it's often hard to keep up with who has new art adorning their bodies. Andrei Kirilenko would have taken this award in a landslide had he decided to return to the NBA after the lockout, but it wasn't to be. As it turned out, the award goes to a player not so much for the striking size or awe of his new ink, but for the sheer boldness of it. Jason Terry is this year's award winner for the Larry O'Brien trophy tattoo on his bicep that he got BEFORE Dallas' improbable championship. Storylines turned to the tattoo in last year's playoffs as he vowed to have it removed if the Mavericks fells short of a title. Luckily for him, they beat Miami in 6 games and his tattoo was spared. If the title was not enough for JET, the icing on the cake is that he now has a Most Improved Tattoos Award to add to the trophy case.

Court adjourned.

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